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Shore Area Mayors All Announce: No New Taxes in 2020, Will Actually Show Up for Work At Public Patronage Jobs This Week

TOMS RIVER-In an incredible change of heart, your town’s mayor has just announced there will be no new taxes in 2020 due to the coronavirus outbreak.  In fact, many have declared tax cuts here in New Jersey in 2020.

“We have been looking at the budget closely and realize with 75% of our townspeople out of work and mortgage companies granting forbearance, we just can’t raise taxes at a time like this, and like our citizens, we’re going to have to tighten our belts and roll up sleeves and cut costs at town hall,” said the Mayor of Toms River. “The people should come first.  As of now, every worker at town hall is going to voluntarily take a 20% pay deduction until America’s back online.  I am going to furlough non-essential workers who have been sitting at home for the past month in their pajamas just taking a paycheck.”

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The mayor’s words were echoed up and down the shore.

“We have this huge surplus of cash we took from the people last year.  Usually we don’t talk about that, but this year, we’re not only going to give that surplus back to the people, we’re going to approve a budget with a 0% tax increase,” said the Mayor of Jackson Township. “The governor of my home state, Andrew Cuomo said it best, how can I tax people who are out of work, losing their health insurance, losing their jobs, while I sit here and take the full Cadillac health benefits package for coming into the office a few hours each week. I’m going to switch those benefits over to my $99,000 per year patronage job with the county to save the taxpayers of Jackson even more money!”

Mayors across the shore rejoiced at their peers’ renewed interest in the actual welfare of the public.

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“I’ve spent the past 10 years in public office wheeling and dealing millions of dollars in public contracts,” another mayor said. “Never in my wildest dreams did I realize this money was actually coming from people in my town who pay taxes…it wasn’t until all of my neighbors started to get sick and died before I was able to see there’s more to life than myself and my public office.”

“You know, my sister’s cousin really needed a job last year, so I created one in town hall for him last year,” another mayor said. “I just don’t feel right about it now.  I have to consider the feelings of the workers in my town who actually work their asses off day in and day out while her cousin sits at home eating bon-bons collecting a public paycheck.”

“After seeing the community come together like they have in the last month, I have decided to actually show up for work at my public patronage job this week and say hi to my co-workers that I haven’t seen in months,” said another mayor.  “I owe it to the people of my town to actually work for the money I take from them each and every week.”

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Happy April Fools Day! This story is not real!

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