JERSEY CITY, NJ – With major league baseball out of commission, Houston Astros fans don’t have any cheating baseball players to root for this year, so when a New Jersey microbrewery unveiled a Houston Astros themed trash banger microbrew their heads hit the ceiling. Ok, Altuve needed a little help with his head reaching the ceiling, but here’s what happened.
Mocking the whole thing about, you know, cheating to win a World Series, Departed Souls Brewery in Jersey City released a mildly humorous story around their Astros themed trash can banger, which is their Hazy IPA in cans decorated like those God awful 1970’s rainbow-themed jerseys that really, only Nolan Ryan made look good…and that’s not for any other reason than he threw over 200 strikeouts almost every year he played for the Astros. In fact, before the Astros figured out how to cheat their way to a World Series victory, Nolan Ryan was about the only good thing that ever happened to the Houston Astros. Well, that’s if you don’t count Houston getting New York’s sloppy seconds with Roger Clemens for a few years. Say Craig Biggio…I dare ya… or maybe we all remember the Astros’ franchise kid, Walking Underwear.
Enough of crappy baseball teams who have to cheat to win.
“Some of you may have already gotten the Signs that this was coming today, but beer releases are like a pitcher’s arsenal, and you never really know what’s coming and when… unless, of course, you cheat,” the brewery said, smacking it right in the face of the dirty cheating Astros’ fans. “When this pandemic first struck, much of our staff worked from home, while Brian rededicated himself to the Art of Brewing.. rewatching brewing school classes, reading new studies, and pouring over interviews, trying to Luhn(h)ow we could improve our efficiencies and processes. The result is a Fiersnew approach to everything we do, from mashing in, to dry hopping, water treatments to canning, and everything in between.”
They called their creation the Trash Can Banger…and all the little Altuve wannabes in Houston flipped out. So much so that they’re now apparently threatening legal action against the brewery.
“This was supposed to be a fun, one-off, quick-strike release… but when you threaten to kick our brewery dog into the Hudson River, and encourage an international conglomerate to sue us out of extinction, over a freaking game, and beer, well… it’s personal now,” the brewery said.