Michigan Attorney general apologizes for getting completely hammered at college football game, wheeled out in wheelchair

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5 mins read

ANN ARBOR, MI – The position of Attorney General means you’re essentially the top law enforcement official at any level of state government. It is a position that demands those who carry the title to be pillars within their community. They must lead by example, as they are tasked with maintaining law and order in their state.

Enter Michigan Democrat Attorney General Dana Nessel. At this week’s University of Michigan football game, her alma matter, she had a few too many drinks and made headlines about it.

She said she was advised by her friends to leave before she vomited on her constituents. She claims it was from a few bloody Mary’s, but four quarters had passed and she needed to be wheeled out of the stadium by friends in a wheelchair.

Now, she’s apologizing for being a falling down drunk at the game. On Wednesday, to control the story, she explained just how she went from being the state’s attorney general to that passed out drunk woman in section 110 at last Saturday’s game.

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Normally, Nessel would lean on her communications director for advice in situations, but according to the AG, “She died last night.”

True, Kelly Rossman-McKinney, 67, passed away from cancer this week.

Below is her story:

My staff has pleaded with me to hire a crisis-management PR firm for an incident that occurred on 10/30 at the UM/MSU football game. Instead,

I thought I would just share the events which transpired that fateful day.

Before the big game, I attended a tailgate on an empty stomach. Much to my surprise, MSU tailgate’s tend to have more alcohol than food, so I thought it seemed like a good idea to eat 2 Bloody Mary’s, since as long as you put enough vegetables in them, it’s practically a salad. As it turned out, this was not a brilliant idea. Also, I might be a terrible bartender.


I proceeded to go to the game (which I’m told Michigan definitely won!) and started to feel ill. I laid low for a while, but my friends recommended that I leave so as to prevent me from vomiting on any of my constituents (polling consistently shows “Roman showers” to be unpopular among most demographics).

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I had a few folks help me up the stairs and someone grabbed a wheelchair so as to prevent me from stumbling in the parking lot. Like all smart people attending festivities where drinking occurs, I had a designated driver. I went home, fell asleep on the couch, and my wife threw some blankets on me and provided me with some water and Tylenol for what she knew would be a skull-crushing hangover the next day. (Best wife ever!)

So there. That’s the scandalous tale of the events which transpired at Tailgate-Gate. (Also at some point it seemed like a good idea to make the governor take a picture with Ron Weiser. Sorry Governor!). Just so one doesn’t have to imagine what this scene might have looked like, I’ve attached this handy photo.

Normally I would ask my trusted friend and communications savant Kelly Rossman-McKinney for advice on how to best handle this crisis, but she died last night, so I can’t.

I am human. Sometimes I screw up. This was definitely one of those times. My apologies to the entire state of Michigan for this mishap, but especially that Michigan fan sitting behind me. Some things you can’t un-see.

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From now on, I pledge never to drink on an empty stomach, and definitely never to have another Bloody Mary. Cause it’s gonna take a while to get that taste out of my mouth.

Sorry to all the people who have supported me for letting you down. I will try to do better.