Even though Barstool Sports President Dave Portnoy “jumped the shark” when he started leaning on teenage TikTokers in his skinny jeans to boost ratings, we figured it was long past due that we gave his One Bite Frozen Pizza a shot.
Excited for a frozen pizza done right, waiting for the crisp, the perfection and taste promised by Portnoy since their release last year; we followed the box instructions to the letter.
Pre-heat the oven at 450 degrees, bake for 10-13 minutes. We started with the traditional Five Cheese pizza, and it looked good in the box. It even looked good in the package. Heck, it looked great coming out of the oven.
It cooked fast, browned nicely, but that’s about where the praise for this trainwreck stops. Normally, we’d chalk the shortcomings up to frozen pizza, but after Portnoy boasted incessantly about his pizza while trashing others, his pizza will be judged by big kids’ rules, not the frozen pizza standards.
First, the dough of the pizza seems like it was rolled by the challenger league of pizza rollers. The entire pizza cracked in half due to a poorly rolled dough with a huge seam in the back. That’s what happens when you farm out your products to the lowest bidder, apparently.
Now, we don’t want to bash the manufacturer, HappiFoodi, a New Jersey-based company, because they are our people. But, the One Bite Pizzas really are nothing more than repackaged HappiFoodi pizzas.
One positive was the edge crust of the pizza nice and crispy. As you moved into the middle of the pie, it became a doughy delight of soft and chewy carbs topped with tasteless sauce and allegedly five cheeses, also of equal non-trustworthiness.
Maybe we got one of the bad batch pizzas, who knows, but aside from the pizza cracking in half because of dough fold, the team over at HappiFoodi also apparently forgot to put the flavors in our pizza.
The flop was about as bad as Dave’s before he downs a few Viagras ahead of a spot on some teenie TikTok guest appearance. It definitely requires two hands to get it into your mouth without flopping down like a wet noodle…that’s what she said…no reference at all to Ron Jeremy.
We had very high expectations of Barstool’s One Bite Frozen Pizza, but like many of his pizza reviews in the past few years that are all of about thirty seconds, it didn’t deliver anywhere close to the hype that was promised.
As we ate it, we even played fake crunching sounds like Dave does on video reviews, but even with the crunch roleplaying in the background, we just couldn’t find the promised crunch, real or virtual.
Not to say the pizza was total shit. That would be unfair to Dave, who rolls in the cash from tossing subpar pizzas into Walmart freezers, but it’s definitely no DiGiornos or other respectable players in the frozen pizza game.
One Bite falls into the category of school pizza or even Ellio’s when it comes to consistency but doesn’t come close to Ellio’s in flavor. Dave’s pizza is nothing more than a novelty hack, like buying a 3rd party t-Disney t-shirt in Orlando; or a Caribbean Island trinket that claims to be specific to that island, but it’s just a sticker placed on an item made in bulk somewhere in China.
One Bite Pizza might be made in Jersey and might sport the branding of a competitor, but in the end, it was made in the same factory that pumps out subpar frozen dinners under a different name. It’s like Dave took the HappiFoodi three-cheese pizza and was like, “Hey, let’s add two more cheeses to that, box it up and put my name on it and let me film some people eating with my new pizza crunch soundboard and call it a day.”
Not to be too hard on Dave, it’s just business, and we know that. He wouldn’t be the first person to slap his name on a product and try to push it.
The Reggie bar, Jennifer Garner’s baby food line, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s meal prep, Bon Jovi tomato sauce, Drew Barrymore’s wine, and who can forget Paul Newman’s Own pizza?
Few celebrities have been able to pull it off. You have Vita Coco by Madonna and Rihanna, which is spot-on in the coconut water game, and of course, Paul Newman kicks it in the salad dressing racket.
If you were one of those people who stocked their freezers with One Bite pizzas and they’re just taking up space, just remember a 1978 Reggie bar sells for about 60 bucks, and it’s just a repackaged Clark bar.
We won’t tell you not to try to One Bite Frozen Pizza, just as we wouldn’t tell you not to buy that cheese rastaman trinket on your next visit to Jamaica; it’s one of those things you just have to do once in life, we suppose.
We also don’t hate Dave for living the American Dream and turning a shoddy product into piles of cash.
Even though Barstool Sports President Dave Portnoy “jumped the shark” when he started leaning on teenage TikTokers in his skinny jeans to boost ratings, we figured it was long past due that we gave his One Bite Frozen Pizza a shot.
Excited for a frozen pizza done right, waiting for the crisp, the perfection and taste promised by Portnoy since their release last year; we followed the box instructions to the letter.
Pre-heat the oven at 450 degrees, bake for 10-13 minutes. We started with the traditional Five Cheese pizza, and it looked good in the box. It even looked good in the package. Heck, it looked great coming out of the oven.
It cooked fast, browned nicely, but that’s about where the praise for this trainwreck stops. Normally, we’d chalk the shortcomings up to frozen pizza, but after Portnoy boasted incessantly about his pizza while trashing others, his pizza will be judged by big kids’ rules, not the frozen pizza standards.
First, the dough of the pizza seems like it was rolled by the challenger league of pizza rollers. The entire pizza cracked in half due to a poorly rolled dough with a huge seam in the back. That’s what happens when you farm out your products to the lowest bidder, apparently.
Now, we don’t want to bash the manufacturer, HappiFoodi, a New Jersey-based company, because they are our people. But, the One Bite Pizzas really are nothing more than repackaged HappiFoodi pizzas.
One positive was the edge crust of the pizza nice and crispy. As you moved into the middle of the pie, it became a doughy delight of soft and chewy carbs topped with tasteless sauce and allegedly five cheeses, also of equal non-trustworthiness.
Maybe we got one of the bad batch pizzas, who knows, but aside from the pizza cracking in half because of dough fold, the team over at HappiFoodi also apparently forgot to put the flavors in our pizza.
The flop was about as bad as Dave’s before he downs a few Viagras ahead of a spot on some teenie TikTok guest appearance. It definitely requires two hands to get it into your mouth without flopping down like a wet noodle…that’s what she said…no reference at all to Ron Jeremy.
We had very high expectations of Barstool’s One Bite Frozen Pizza, but like many of his pizza reviews in the past few years that are all of about thirty seconds, it didn’t deliver anywhere close to the hype that was promised.
As we ate it, we even played fake crunching sounds like Dave does on video reviews, but even with the crunch roleplaying in the background, we just couldn’t find the promised crunch, real or virtual.
Not to say the pizza was total shit. That would be unfair to Dave, who rolls in the cash from tossing subpar pizzas into Walmart freezers, but it’s definitely no DiGiornos or other respectable players in the frozen pizza game.
One Bite falls into the category of school pizza or even Ellio’s when it comes to consistency but doesn’t come close to Ellio’s in flavor. Dave’s pizza is nothing more than a novelty hack, like buying a 3rd party t-Disney t-shirt in Orlando; or a Caribbean Island trinket that claims to be specific to that island, but it’s just a sticker placed on an item made in bulk somewhere in China.
One Bite Pizza might be made in Jersey and might sport the branding of a competitor, but in the end, it was made in the same factory that pumps out subpar frozen dinners under a different name. It’s like Dave took the HappiFoodi three-cheese pizza and was like, “Hey, let’s add two more cheeses to that, box it up and put my name on it and let me film some people eating with my new pizza crunch soundboard and call it a day.”
Not to be too hard on Dave, it’s just business, and we know that. He wouldn’t be the first person to slap his name on a product and try to push it.
The Reggie bar, Jennifer Garner’s baby food line, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s meal prep, Bon Jovi tomato sauce, Drew Barrymore’s wine, and who can forget Paul Newman’s Own pizza?
Few celebrities have been able to pull it off. You have Vita Coco by Madonna and Rihanna, which is spot-on in the coconut water game, and of course, Paul Newman kicks it in the salad dressing racket.
If you were one of those people who stocked their freezers with One Bite pizzas and they’re just taking up space, just remember a 1978 Reggie bar sells for about 60 bucks, and it’s just a repackaged Clark bar.
We won’t tell you not to try to One Bite Frozen Pizza, just as we wouldn’t tell you not to buy that cheese rastaman trinket on your next visit to Jamaica; it’s one of those things you just have to do once in life, we suppose.
We also don’t hate Dave for living the American Dream and turning a shoddy product into piles of cash; 3.5 on the frozen pizza scale.
