New Jersey’s 2025 gubernatorial race is a showdown, with Rep. Mikie Sherrill (D) squaring off against former Assemblyman Jack Ciattarelli (R).
With Jack Ciattarelli and most sane and knowledgeable voters fixated on sky-high taxes, housing costs, failed energy policies, soaring electricity rates and the fallout of recent national political shakeups, Sherrill’s slight lead could slip if she doesn’t make waves.
To keep Ciattarelli in the dust, here are five totally serious strategies to dominate the headlines and win the Garden State, plus a couple of bonus moves for good measure.
Storm a Federal Facility for Viral Glory
Why knock on doors when you can barge into a federal building? Sherrill could “protest” at a post office, demanding “faster mail for Jersey families,” and give security a playful nudge.
The inevitable handcuff moment, caught on a livestream, would flood social media with clips of her Navy veteran grit. Voters would eat up the “rebel with a cause” vibe, while Ciattarelli’s budget talks fade into the background. Pro tip: Wear a power blazer to scream “I’m in charge.”
Benefit: +2 ratings bump
Bonus Points: But that’s chump change. Showing up to the federal ICE detention facility in Newark with a crowd and cameras in tow, would be a plus. Storm the gates, assault federal officers, then claim your right as an American and a congresswoman.
Benefit: +5 ratings bump
Crash a National News Conference, Mic Drop Included
Picture Sherrill storming a high-profile press conference—say, one about national infrastructure—and grabbing the mic to rant about New Jersey’s crumbling bridges and stressed airport, both of which you ignored since being elected to Congress.
Security would drag her off, but the viral video of her “standing up for Jersey” would dominate group chats.
She’d spin it as proof she’s fighting for families, not chasing clout. Ciattarelli’s policy wonkery would look like elevator music next to her blockbuster moment. Bonus: Have a cameraman zoom in on her defiant smirk.
Bonus Points: Pick a top level Trump advisor’s press conference and start yelling at them while they speak. Weapons such as baseball bats and brass knuckles are optional, but could help the cause.
Benefit: +3 ratings bump
Hijack a “Mostly Peaceful” Tesla Dealer Attack or City Burning Protest with Chaos
With immigration debates raging, Sherrill could crash an anti-immigration rally, waving a Mexican flag for “inclusivity” and torching an American flag to “protest division.”
For maximum shock, she could wave a (fake) severed head of a certain former president on a noose, calling it “performance art for unity.” The outrage would light up the internet, with her base hailing her as bold and Ciattarelli’s crew too stunned to clap back.
While Jack Ciattarelli is at a nearby diner talking about how he’s going to bring electric prices down and support radical ideas like restoring nuclear energy power and working with the President to support a national energy agenda, Sherrill will have the high ground.
She’d frame it as a stand against “hateful rhetoric,” leaving Ciattarelli’s talking points in the dust.
Benefit: +2 ratings bump
Bonus Points: Be photographed holding a molotov cocktail next to a burning police car or wearing a pro-Palestinian keffiyeh. Shouting “F-ck Ice. F-ck Trump because he’s not nice” would also be a nice touch. It’s even better if she could get the protesters around her to chant it with her.
Benefit: +1 ratings bump
“Adopt” a Deported Criminal for the Photo Op
Democrat voters love a redemption arc especially when it involves a criminal illegal alien, so Sherrill should “welcome” a deported criminal migrant into her campaign narrative.
Start with a low-key human smuggler with a rap sheet for domestic abuse. For bigger buzz, go for a convicted rapist or murderer. A teary press conference about “reforming the system” outside her Montclair home would tug heartstrings and steal headlines. Ciattarelli’s tough-on-crime stance would look cold next to her “compassionate courage.” Just keep the security team on speed dial.
Benefit: +3 ratings bump
Bonus Points: Choose a high profile violent criminal such as a convicted rapist, child human trafficker, or a murderer. She could increase her lead by choosing a double homicide convicted migrant, or even a triple-homicide convict. Refer to them as a “hard working, middle class father just trying to make ends meet in a strange new country” and call for their repatriation and release back into society here in America.
Benefit: +4 ratings bump
Collect Mugshots Like Campaign Buttons
Who needs a walking card when you have a mugshot. Does Jack Ciattarelli have a mugshot? No, he doesn’t. And that’s why she can win this.
Mugshots are the new yard signs. Sherrill needs no less than three arrests by November—maybe for “protesting” at a pipeline site, jaywalking in Trenton, or “accidentally” spray-painting her slogan on a rival’s billboard.
Each smirking, aviator-clad mugshot should hit billboards with the tagline: “Mikie: Tough Enough for Trenton.”
Voters will love the edge, and Ciattarelli’s polished headshots will seem painfully vanilla. Frame the mugshots for her victory party’s photo booth.
Benefit: +1 ratings bump
Bonus: Only the moderate democrats will be impressed with a misdemeanor mugshot. For the big numbers, she needs a violent crime mugshot. Maybe threaten to kill the President, or assault a member of his cabinet on Capitol Hill. That’s where the huge mail-in ballot numbers will flow.
Benefit: +4 ratings bump
Bonus Moves to Bury the Competition
- Post-Riot Trash Pickup Stunt: After the next “mostly peaceful” riot, Sherrill should rock a pantsuit—or better, a Top Gun-style aviator jacket—and pose picking up a single soda can. Caption the staff-snapped photo “Cleaning Up Trump’s Mess” and donate the outfit to a museum for “historical vibes.” Ciattarelli’s white papers can’t compete with that swagger. +1 ratings bump
- Play the Persecution Card: Sherrill’s made millions in suspiciously timed stock trades—classic D.C. hustle. She should dare federal prosecutors to charge her, then scream “political witch hunt” at every rally. The martyr narrative—“Mikie vs. the elites!”—would rally her base, making Ciattarelli’s “fiscal responsibility” pitch feel like a nap. +1 ratings bump
- Candidate makeover: Sherrill is too plain Jane, suburban mom right now for the far left. She should consider bangs and a bob, perhaps dyed red or blue (or both). A nose ring wouldn’t hurt. Gaining a few pounds could help. Avoid soap and showers. A few tattoos and body piercings could go a long way here. To seal the deal, she needs to show up at a rally topless with black duct tape X’d on her breasts and a “F-ck Trump” scribbled on her belly. +1 ratings bump
Why This Works
In 2025, politics is a circus, and Sherrill needs to be the ringmaster.
Ciattarelli is betting on tax cuts, lower energy prices, lowering crime, and quiet town halls, but Sherrill can own the narrative with these unhinged stunts.
Will some call it nuts? Sure. But nuts wins elections, especially with the looney far-left voters she needs to start courting in order to win.
This piece is satire…Or is it?
